A New Journey

Each time i look back at my old post, i laugh at my immaturity XD Well, a wonderful chapter has been written and lived. A chapter filled with much warmth and bitter sweet memories had made its way to the end. Perhaps this chapter will have a sequel one day, but thank you Ben for your love you showered upon me. It was a rough, pillow drenched 10 months trying to get over you. But the pain you caused is pain no more. The false hope you gave me is better off dead. I finally had my closure unexpectedly. All the puzzles finally pit perfectly. The truth hurts, but the lies worst. You changed into someone i don't know. But I will always treasure the memories we once had, only the good ones... *By the way, don't listen to Adele after a breakup. it made things worst. pfft. great singer , wrong timing!!

Benjamin My Love. Day 6.

Tuesday, 23/8/11, 3.49am

After much anticipation, I finally see you face to face. We talked. We quarreled(as usual). We laughed. We rolled eyes. We smiled. We hugged. But the decision still remains the same. Deep down inside we know one day we will be back together as lovers. We shall leave that to fate. But at the moment we are officially apart. No more a timeout. We will still remain in touch. It will be a painful process but we have to be strong for each other.

You requested me to make you two promises

1. Quit my job and live life to the fullest.

2. In time, find a new partner.

I will elaborate more in my next post. I'm just too tired and sleepy now.


I love you baby :) we both sure did have an awesome time together today.


Forever and ever love,

RYaN

Benjamin My Love. Day 5.

Monday, 22/8/11, 2.01am


Dear baby,

My day was good. I skipped church....... Instead, I went for a haircut at guys and dolls. Went to your place to wake eddy up and have lunch with me. I practically knocked the door 200 times for around 20 minutes. We had lunch at Sunway Giza with a few others. Errrr.. Eddy, Hayden, Ian, Kenny, Carter, his bf and a few others. I had a good time. I hope you had an awesome day too. Anyway, I came back and spent some time with my siblings. Josh was so so lame..... I asked him to show me funny videos in YouTube but he ended up showing me very very lame videos. He has weird sense of humour. I was bored so I stalked your facebook profile. Look through your pics. Sigh I miss you so much. I found a note in your page. A song lyric sang by Whitney Houston. I remember you sang this song before.


We all wanna make a place in this world
We all want our voices to be heard
Everyone wants a chance to be someone
We all have dreams we need to dream
Sweeter than any star you can reach
Coz when you reach and find, you've found someone

You hold this world's most priceless gift
The greatest gift this life can bring
Is when you look back and know,
You were loved


You were loved by somone,
Touched by someone
Held by someone
Meant something to someone
Loved somebody
Touched somebody's heart along the way
You can look back and say
You were loved

You can have diamonds in your hands
Have all the riches in the land
But, without love, you don't really have a thing no, no
When somebody cares that you're alive
When somebody trusts you with their life
That's when you know that, that you have all you need

You hold this world's most priceless gift,
The finest treasure that there is
Is when you look back and know
You were loved


You were loved by someone,
Touched by someone
Held by someone
Meant something to someone
Loved somebody
Touched somebody's heart along the way
You can look back and say
You were loved

So many roads that you can take
Whatever way you go, don't take that road alone
It's better you should know...


You are loved by someone
Touched by someone
Held by someone
Meant something to someone
Loved somebody
Touched somebody's heart along the way
You can look back and say
You were loved
You were loved,
You were loved,
You're loved, Benjamin baby.!


Good night baby. I love and miss you.

RYaN

Benjamin My Love. Day 4.

20/8/11 Saturday, 10.39pm

After writing my last post, it was already 7.22am . I was ready to get some good sleep as I had half the day off. Was planning to go Jaya One for some bazaar and art thing with Cassie and eddy. I woke up at 11.40am in a state of shock, thinking I was late for work. After a few second I realized OMG Ryan it is your freaking morning off!! I then took a peek at my phone in the midst of drowsiness and saw a text from my aunt asking me to go to work. Like seriously, WTF!!!! I only had 4 hours of sleep!! I went to work anyway. Sigh. That's the thing if you're working for your family. No share profit yet but the responsibility is agonizing. I almost died at work. I need to quit this job and get my life back.

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Dear baby,

How are you? You know, I woke up in shock and when that happens, I usually will get a headache, which I did and it lasted up until now. I miss you. I was so surprised you called me at around 12pm when I got to work. We texted awhile and I can feel that u miss me very badly too. Anyway as harsh as it may be, we agreed not to call or text each other for 2 days. Until we meet on Monday. Can't wait!!!! U actually used Baby in your message. So happyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! Glad to know that u still love me very very very much. Like doh.....
Sorry I'm a little rude right now. Just very cranky because I'm very tired. I'm going to call it a night now.

I love you Flyboy

Lots of love,

RYaN

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Benjamin My Love . Day 3.

21/8/11, Saturday, 6.32am

Dear baby,

The first half of my day the song Chasing Pavements kept replaying in my in built iPod. I was very emotional and I felt like breaking down. Eventually I gathered enough courage to text you. We had a long emotional blast of texts. I kept begging you to come back to me, give me a chance to show you how things would change for the better. Eventually i was on the losing end. You called me an explained that you need your time and space and privacy. I kept insisting that we get back together. Apparently we were not on the same page, which goes to show that yes, we still need to work. I found out that for the past few days I was trying to make you feel guilty was making things worst. It was simply the wrong approach to make things right with you. The most suitable was is to give you all the time you need to clear your head, and I clear mine. I should do myself some good and love myself even more. You were so, so, right when u said I brought this upon myself for locking myself alone for the past three days. Clearly made things worst. You still inspire me. When you finally do come back to me, I want it to be because you are proud of me and not because you pity me.

Anyway, after work I meet up with Eddy, Hayden, SK and Cassie for movie at ioi mall. We watched A movie about bosses or something. Kinda funny. Later on we had yumcha session at Pelita. We talked about all sort of shits until 4.30 in the morning. While driving Cassie back to her place, we had a heart to heart talk. Me, Cassie and Eddy. They were not trying to patch us back together but more of giving their opinion and advice from an objective third person point of view. It was a very emotional talk until 6 in the morning. Cassie shared with me the conversation that you had with her. Eddy shared with me that you broke down in tears as u were walking back to your room on the day we parted. Baby, I am so sorry you had to go through that. It breaks my heart.

A summary from what I learnt from the conversation.

1. We are both very, very confused that is THIS REALLY what we want?
2. You feel guilty that you could not provide me with your time and I was alone
3. Dream girls was the pinnacle of your dream. It was foreign at the same time that we don't know how to deal with it because we were so used to be together all the time
4. I didn't provide the emotional support to your ultimate dream when u needed me most.
5. You on the other hand find it hard to juggle between love and dream girls. You felt guilty.
6. We need to spend time apart the right way. Make things right. Talk things over. Find the light together. Mend each other's feelings
7. Slowly, but surely peel of layer by layer the accumulated negativity, together
8. Look into each other's positivity instead of focusing on the negative.
9. Respect each other 's space and privacy
10. Breathe. Talk things thoroughly with an open mind, make things clear and make sure if we ever get back together this conflict would not reoccure. To make things work together, or make things worst in time to come.

I'm not going to contact you for three days. I'm going to live my own life and you live yours. I will make myself happy and also reflect on the times we had. I will find the light and be clear on my path. Looking forward to yumcha with you on Monday. This will be a start. Let's take things step by step :) don't over think.

I love you Benjamin. I love you.

Thank you Cassie and Eddy for being there for Benjamin and I. Being objective and neutral, just sharing their thoughts, seeing things that Ben and I cannot see from outside the box. Thank you.


RYaN

Benjamin My Love . Day 2.

Today is the second day we are apart. I decided that I want to start a journal here. Every single day, no matter how busy or tired I might be. Hmmm.. Where shall I start?

Well I miss him. Not one minute goes by that he is absent from my mind. I want to talk to you and see your face so so bad. I feel like someone just punched through my chest, reached for my heart and tore a big chunk out of it. It hurts. So, so bad. I've been through 7 failed relationships. I felt nothing. Except for my first boyfriend which was clearly puppy love and I was desperate to make my first relationship work. I was a zombie for 6 months. Eventually I snapped out of it.

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Dear baby,
It was hard sleeping without you last night. I miss your sweat, I miss your drool, but most importantly I miss your snore. It is my lullaby. A sound that puts me to sleep, because from there I know you have fallen asleep. Knowing you are safe and secure and comfortable, then I shall lay myself to sleep.

I finally gathered enough courage to text you in the evening, asking if you need a lift to Broadway. I didn't get any reply. I was worried. I tried calling you a few times but it was forwarded to voicemail. I was crushed. My heart sank. But I stayed positive. I know eventually you will call me back. Finally, a few hours later, you did. You told me you were going to stay at a friend's place for a couple of days. I asked how were you and you said 'if it's ok, I am beginning to miss you very much'

I miss you too baby. So much. Seriously, i wonder why we choose pain over love. I finally understand why you sent me so many blank messages. Im sure you know why too. Anyhow, Im glad we talked for a minute on the phone. I was really, really glad to hear your voice. My first happy smile in two days. For the first time in two years you hung up first. It must be really tough for you to do that. You said u will call me tomorrow.I really hope you do.

Good night baby. I miss you. I love you. I love you. I love you.


Forever love,
RYaN


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Dear Cupid,

Exactly two years ago I wrote to you in this blog. Asking for a lover. Or more like complaining how you sucked at your job. Well, you gave me more than I expected. You sent me an angel. His name is Benjamin. I fell head over heels for this guy. He was simply charming in every way. A smile so sweet and a laugh that makes you forget you were having a bad day. His eyes were beautiful. They can look right through your soul and tells you a story in return. Simply mesmerizing. His hands fit mine perfectly. His voice was from the choir of heaven. His kindness towards others were admirable. Always willing to help without expecting anything in return. He loved me for what I am. He accepted the flaws I had and rejoice in my good qualities. I knew instantly he was my soulmate. This was the first time I was so sure of myself. Whenever I'm with him, I feel warmth, secure, and loved. Thank you Cupid for giving me this chance to know such a remarkable guy. Though we are separated from each other now, he will always, always be in the most cherished area of my heart. I will continue loving, caring and supporting him from afar. Though our pillows will be drenched in tears, the feeling of missing each other, the love we once had will never cease. I love you Benjamin. I love you.

RYaN

Shattered Glass

Shattered: ka-piang.. crark... ka-plong-plong-plong.....

Last night i came home and turned on my laptop. As i lay my beloved laptop on my lap, i saw that i'm left with a cracked screen. obviously someone gave it a massive punch on the closed lid. my innocent laptop. i immediately knew who the culprit was. my younger brother. i remember he called me earlier in the afternoon asking for my password which i refuse to give for i know my laptop has erm.. mostly "dirty" contents.. so yeah. just morning i told my dad about it and showed him the condition of my laptop. he went berserk. ballistic. insane. and started cursing. i think i should start digging a grave for my brother. well, this is not a cheap laptop you see, it cost almost RM6000.00.







he could have just spat on my bed.. empty the trash on my bed.. mess up my room even more.. or hide my laptop but.. this time he has just gone overboard..

A year Ago

Exactly a year ago, on the 14th August 2008 was the day i came out of the closet to my Mom and Dad. 15th August 2008 was the day i came out to both my sisters. memories... i'm glad they still love me for who and what i am today. time flies. feel like it was just yesterday!



*************************
A Letter To Cupid,

Hey cupid. thanks for shooting your arrow right on my ass. guess you've received my letter afterall :) i managed to find a decent date which i enjoy spending time with. on the 14th August 2009

Thank You

xoxo
RYaN

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New Watch

Due to my recent new job, which requires me to handle putting my hands over water vapour, my Nautica watch strap finally called it quits. It felt weird not having a watch on my wrist. every now and then i would stave at my wrist, thinking that the watch is still there, only to find my fair blank wrist staring back. So i went around and hunted for a new watch.. and i found one..

R.I.P




my new catch? an Armani









i'm looking forward to getting another one soon. its a watch by Philip Starck or something. i love it. too bad its all sold out as its already considered "ancient".. if you have any idea where to get my hands on it, please do tell me..

A letter to Cupid

Dear Cupid,


At this point of my life, i just feel so, very lonely. is it a sin to still believe in "once upon a time" and "happily ever after"? every ounce of me still holds on to that tiny hope of being with my "prince charming". Every now and then, i would see two souls holding hand in hand, with a shoulder to cry on, sharing laughters, showing affection.. to be honest sometimes i hate the sight of that. i feel envious. why are you punishing me like that? looking back at my past relationships, i honestly never, ever, ever, once felt what people call love or mutual feelings. i have to be honest to myself. the only love i know is called unconditional love, which i have from my parents. but you see, my parents aren't going to be able to walk beside me forever. is there something wrong with me that i do not know of?? so please, i know i deserve better. and so does my friends who've been single for years and years. open our eyes and heart. how many more valentines day more must i spend alone? it really hurts to be alone :(

love,
Ryan wong

Secrets of my Own (Part 1)

You have to admit, we HUMANS are very "kehpo-chi" and we always like to know stuffs about other people, their flaws, their latest trends, their latest breakdown, who died, and when there is a car accident we stop awhile and look to see if there is any head, guts or fingers scattered across the road..... *ahaha, i see your sinister smile as a sign of admitance* :)

Anyway, let me tell you about some of my secrets to keep you entertained

**********

1. Back on the first day of my highschool journey in Hartamas High, i was skipping sissily (yet fastly) into the car with my dad screaming at me, i shut the door to the backseat and my dad started speeding off. there was when then "IT" attacked. "IT" attacked our nasal and clogged the air with misery so brutal to human. "IT", was obviously dog poo!! before i lift up my foot to look under my shoes i silently pray that it was not mine and instead it was my sister's. i looked underneath my left shoe and there "IT" was.. well the rest of this story spells NASTY.. just imgine a fresh new day at a new school.. sitting in assembly hall.. with new potantial friends.. all heads wondering where is that shitty smell coming from..... yes, it was ME!!!! ( being me, i just lifted my head and gave the "eewww..." face, looking left and right wondering where is that stench coming from each time there is a breeze.. just to make it look like im innocent.. ) hehe

2. The reason why i sleep in a fetus position is because... when i was really really young, my siblings and i share the same room. this nasty elder sister of mine would suddenly, out of nowhere while i was ready to doze off, attack my innocent nipples. i hated it so so much. ever since, i never slept with my chest facing the ceiling even though we were finally old enough to get our own rooms. each time i tried to sleep chest facing the ceiling, i find it really, really disturbing. anyway, amen, i managed to overcome this fear around a year and a half ago.

3. Ever wondered why i enter the shower fully clothed and come out also fully clothed in a fresh new outfit? well put the blame on my sister. Since i know to shower on my own, i would come out of the showes with a towel fully wrapped across my body, like how womens do and quickly run shyly to my room to change. well.. one fine day when i was in primary four... i will never forget those moments as it was deeply engraved in my mental memory.. i can play it back over again those moments faced.. i came out of the shower with a forest green towel.. as i was walking to my room.. i was ambushed. i was just a feet away from my cupboard. i shreiked. and i knew instantly it was my elder sister. my natural instincts told me to grip on to my towel as tight as i can. and i really did. sure enough her motive was to rip my towel off, exposing my "sexy" body.. *ahem* .. it was a battlefield. punches on one hand, another hand holding on to the towel, protecting my sacred temple. kicks fying here and there.. well i can't remember who won because my eyes we shut.. but it really affected me. as of that day on, i would bring my clean clothes and changed in the toilet itself..

4. I read a local malay magazine called "Mastika", a horror themed magazine, exposing all those ghostly encounters. pretty scary at that time. a particular atricle really changed my sleeping habits. it was about a "toyol" , a tiny creature that goes around biting and sucking the blood from people's toe when they are asleep.. well with my good immaculate imagination.. i managed to picture that happening to me.. ever since then, until this very moment, my legs are fully covered with my blankie. sometimes i try to leave my feet out from my "safety" zone.. 30 seconds.. tops.. and my feet will automatically retract back into the blankie. freak right?

5. I think i was 11 back then when i was playing Pokemon version Red on the computer.. or was it Sonic racing.. well my maid suddenly stood behind me watching me venture into my game.. it was getting pretty late and my eyes were baggy from the many hours spend on the screen.. without realizing.. she moved forward and her breast touched my head and it sank in between her breast. all i felt was heavenly comfort.. my head laid rest on those cloud like pillows.. long enough for me to remember the feeling until this day..


*********

well.. thats all i can think off for now. its almost 4am! time to zzz... :)


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Insomnia

i have an issue with my current sleeping habits. i brutally abusive myself mentally throughout the night until 4am for the the past two months. i just can't sleep. each time i shut my eyes, i just start thinking.. my mind starts to journey into the past, the present and the future. usually thoughts that filled my mind would be my family and my future.. recently i imagined life without my mom and dad.. i imagined them passing on.. i captured the feeling and it was surreal that i started tearing. the feeling of hollow, standing beside their coffin and in there lay their motionless body that gave life to me. when that day comes, all i know is i will have a major breakdown. yet now, i still neglect their presence. i still take them for granted thinking that there is always a sight of them tomorrow. but every single time i see them of them seeing me might be the last. i hope i will cherish the moments with them from now on.

"To think i might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry..." -Leona Lewis, Run.

About myself.. i just can't stop thinking about what my future beholds.. how successful would i be. where will my friends be? what people am i bound to meet? will i grow into maturity? my health? my soul mate? will i be single like my aunt? will i go through the loneliness ALONE?

Apart from that.. i will think of ways to improve my work performance.. how to run a restaurant successfully.. will i fail along the way when the torch is passed on to me? will i ignite the flame or will it be vanquished in my hands? the pressure is on. and the most recent quandary that fills my mind is the branch my aunt is bound to open in Singapore. can i handle it? Singaporeans are not easy to handle, ya? no pun intended

Physically.. how to improve my physical outlook? is having a great body a compulsory requirement to get a stamp of approval in the gay society? I've always wondered what is it like having a nice physique.. hmmm....

***

But somehow, i will fall asleep eventually in my favourite fetus posotion.

***


My friends gave me some useful advises to help with my sleep. its amazing to have good friends with minds. haha.

1.just focus on positive thoughts. count your blessing!!
2.burn scented/aromatic candles.. (what the hell.. knowing me.. i will end up
burning down my house)
3. Listen to some relaxing music. (doesn't apply for me.. music keeps me awake)
4. MASTURBATE ( supposedly you exhauste yourself in a "pleaurable" way until you get too tired, you sleep!)
5. Eat something light or warm milk (dangerous baby, DANGEROUS)


***

Of Ringgit and Me

(this is a picture from google image. i have no right and i don't even want to have right to this picture because i do not own such an ugly mattress and bag)


Lord, forgive me for i have sinned. I had committed the ultimate crime of spending. i overspended.

I am a sore loser when it comes to money management. I got my first ever paycheck for last month and whats left as of today is..... RM300.00......

I told myself i must have at least Rm1000.00 left in my bank account before i get my next paycheck but words are only words. i betrayed myself.

But.. the feeling of spending my own money gives me a sense of satisfaction, independence, glad, grown up (despite being only barely 20) , and also a pinch in the ass whenever i flash some cash to pay for something.. ouch..

anyway, i did share my earnings with my siblings.. RM50.00 each. i have 3 siblings. you do the math. i left a note in their wallet with the vibrant emerald blue banknote.

"Dear Josh, Ely, Eli.. heres some cash for you to spend.. Don't simply spend it!! Study Hard!! love, Korkor... "
the next morning when i woke up, my heart dropped when i found a long note stuck onto my sister's bathroom mirror with a RM50 note on it.

the feeling of embarrassment was running all over me.. i picked up the note and read it carefully, wondering what does the note says..

"hey *X%$%^!#, i can't believe u slammed the door in my %$#%^ face just for a mere Rm20.00 credit in Penang you #$%^$$#@ !!!!! #$#%$@#%$%!!! ..... heres a 50 and you can KEEP THE CHANGE you ***&^%$$ "

apparently it was a note Ely left for Eli. at that moment i felt:
1. phew, i thought one of them did not appreciate and need my money that much..
2. this is so funny!!
3. my note that says "Don't simply spend it" was ignored and had gone to its contrary



anyway... just a mere week till my next paycheck!! $$ka-chingzzzz$$

i hope i can save and spend wisely.... Amen...

Market yourself

It is 3.57am now and as i typed, the rain just started pouring and hitting the ground like a rush of a thousand heartbreaks. this is exactly what i'm feeling now.

well i just came back from club. Marketplace to be exact. as i was driving home, i feel so.. pathetic. why do i keep making myself present at these places? i honestly asked myself why and my truthful answer is that i want to look for love. but... is a club really the place where you meet your prince charming? oh ya apart from that, i realized that i go there to test my market. seriously. who wouldn't enjoy being the eye candy of the club.

Marketplace is indeed a prudent name as i think its a place to MARKET yourself.

What drawn me to go to club in the first place was because of my dear friends with a pinch of curiosity in myself. the thrill and excitement of being set eyes on. people checking you out. being admired.. the feeling of being attractive.. is so poisonous yet u keep craving for more..

anyhow, i think im going to be hiatus in the KL gay scene and focus on my career, family and overall future. sigh. oh ya i have to specifically mention KL gay scene because i am going down south to Singapore next weekend!! woohoo!! i heart SG. muakss..

sorry i know this post is pretty pointless but i just feel the need to type it out. and i still really miss this very handsome guy i saw in club just now. he is the epitome of what attractive means. i wish to see him again but i hope the next time, i won't be admiring from afar..

love,
Ryan Wong

A lover's concerto and Love Paradise by Kelly Chen

i like this. used to listen to these a lot especially when i was being a wussy emo boy in love... despite countless shattered relatinships, i still believe that special someone will be in my life eventually.. you may find the lyrics to be really chessy and corny but....

Photoshoot

i love this picture. for once i look FIERCE like Teyona cycle 12 winner. go SEPETS!! (small eyed)

Colleen's Bday @ Damansara Perdana

i am lazy to make my fingers start a massive dance so.. yeah here are some pictures! thanks lynnie for the party~~ xoxo

What Won't Kill You, Makes You Stronger

As i stood by the balcony overlooking the view of Mutiara Damansara, admiring the Saturday morning breeze pecking my cheeks.. I took a sigh and firmly grip my cup of coffee to assure that moment is real. I silently congratulated myself. "Ryan Wong, you've made it through"


***

Going through industrial training, was something that i foremost feared since I've singed up for my Culinary Course in KDU College. All my brain could produce was ways to skip training. When it was finally time to start my industrial training in Royale Bintang Hotel Damansara, i started off optimistic and willing to get off my high horse and learn what does hardship meant. Perhaps i was too fragile mentally, physically and emotionally that i deteriorated after one and a half month. All i wanted to do was to quit and run away. I did consider the fact the two years i've spent in college wasted just like that. Worst yet, the impeccable amount of money my family had to spend on me for this course, set aside the drive and time my Dad had to sacrifice when i first started out college. I only thought of them as not taking a step in my shoes, feeling my pain. but have i on theirs?

**

When i announced that i was quitting, words of advise started pouring in from various parties I've consulted. some supporting, others objecting. somewhat to a point that i was caught in between, with no direction. I clasps my hands and pray for guidance every night. "What won't kill you makes you stronger" was a moving advise that a fellow colleague gave to me in the walk in chiller on a particular graveyard shift.

**



Anyway, as a treat my dad agreed on my idea of renting a suite for a night. so yeah. the result was pretty good. but my birthday celebration was still the most awesome time i had ;)

**

Here are some pics..



The nice view from the room balcony


we were bored. and when im bored, i get naughty.


0-0-7 Biang.. ahh!!!


shopping for soft drinks and snaks in tesco



dinner at Little Penang Kafe



Chasing the evil away from my room



What lies behind the sliding door is a hot guy i brought back from Frangipani. i wish... haha..



Thanks Eddy, Sherry, Ian, Jackson, Edmundior, Paul, Cassie, Carter, Kaze, Ezen, Jason, and Alex for being there for me. love u guys.! xoxo (did i miss out anybody?)

People..... i have a confession to make... for once in my life.. i CROSSED DRESSED... i was changing and trying on clothes for club.. and i came across edmund tan's swimming shorts.. and then... i sort of.. got inspired...... paul suggested i made the outfit sexy like how jessica simpsons did... and this was what happened......................






as you can see, this is the hottie Jessica Simpsons.....




PRESENTING..... Ryan Simpsons.. all im missing is my sexy boots.. so im going to change the song to..



"These boobies are meant for watching..... jiggling its what it'll do.....
one of these days these boobs are gonna *pop* in front of you....."



xoxo,

RYaN

Feel

i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.

i feel like running away.

i feel like crap.

i feel...


i need to make some changes. this is as far as i can take it for my internship in Royale Bintang Hotel. i quit.