Benjamin My Love . Day 3.

21/8/11, Saturday, 6.32am

Dear baby,

The first half of my day the song Chasing Pavements kept replaying in my in built iPod. I was very emotional and I felt like breaking down. Eventually I gathered enough courage to text you. We had a long emotional blast of texts. I kept begging you to come back to me, give me a chance to show you how things would change for the better. Eventually i was on the losing end. You called me an explained that you need your time and space and privacy. I kept insisting that we get back together. Apparently we were not on the same page, which goes to show that yes, we still need to work. I found out that for the past few days I was trying to make you feel guilty was making things worst. It was simply the wrong approach to make things right with you. The most suitable was is to give you all the time you need to clear your head, and I clear mine. I should do myself some good and love myself even more. You were so, so, right when u said I brought this upon myself for locking myself alone for the past three days. Clearly made things worst. You still inspire me. When you finally do come back to me, I want it to be because you are proud of me and not because you pity me.

Anyway, after work I meet up with Eddy, Hayden, SK and Cassie for movie at ioi mall. We watched A movie about bosses or something. Kinda funny. Later on we had yumcha session at Pelita. We talked about all sort of shits until 4.30 in the morning. While driving Cassie back to her place, we had a heart to heart talk. Me, Cassie and Eddy. They were not trying to patch us back together but more of giving their opinion and advice from an objective third person point of view. It was a very emotional talk until 6 in the morning. Cassie shared with me the conversation that you had with her. Eddy shared with me that you broke down in tears as u were walking back to your room on the day we parted. Baby, I am so sorry you had to go through that. It breaks my heart.

A summary from what I learnt from the conversation.

1. We are both very, very confused that is THIS REALLY what we want?
2. You feel guilty that you could not provide me with your time and I was alone
3. Dream girls was the pinnacle of your dream. It was foreign at the same time that we don't know how to deal with it because we were so used to be together all the time
4. I didn't provide the emotional support to your ultimate dream when u needed me most.
5. You on the other hand find it hard to juggle between love and dream girls. You felt guilty.
6. We need to spend time apart the right way. Make things right. Talk things over. Find the light together. Mend each other's feelings
7. Slowly, but surely peel of layer by layer the accumulated negativity, together
8. Look into each other's positivity instead of focusing on the negative.
9. Respect each other 's space and privacy
10. Breathe. Talk things thoroughly with an open mind, make things clear and make sure if we ever get back together this conflict would not reoccure. To make things work together, or make things worst in time to come.

I'm not going to contact you for three days. I'm going to live my own life and you live yours. I will make myself happy and also reflect on the times we had. I will find the light and be clear on my path. Looking forward to yumcha with you on Monday. This will be a start. Let's take things step by step :) don't over think.

I love you Benjamin. I love you.

Thank you Cassie and Eddy for being there for Benjamin and I. Being objective and neutral, just sharing their thoughts, seeing things that Ben and I cannot see from outside the box. Thank you.


RYaN

Benjamin My Love . Day 2.

Today is the second day we are apart. I decided that I want to start a journal here. Every single day, no matter how busy or tired I might be. Hmmm.. Where shall I start?

Well I miss him. Not one minute goes by that he is absent from my mind. I want to talk to you and see your face so so bad. I feel like someone just punched through my chest, reached for my heart and tore a big chunk out of it. It hurts. So, so bad. I've been through 7 failed relationships. I felt nothing. Except for my first boyfriend which was clearly puppy love and I was desperate to make my first relationship work. I was a zombie for 6 months. Eventually I snapped out of it.

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Dear baby,
It was hard sleeping without you last night. I miss your sweat, I miss your drool, but most importantly I miss your snore. It is my lullaby. A sound that puts me to sleep, because from there I know you have fallen asleep. Knowing you are safe and secure and comfortable, then I shall lay myself to sleep.

I finally gathered enough courage to text you in the evening, asking if you need a lift to Broadway. I didn't get any reply. I was worried. I tried calling you a few times but it was forwarded to voicemail. I was crushed. My heart sank. But I stayed positive. I know eventually you will call me back. Finally, a few hours later, you did. You told me you were going to stay at a friend's place for a couple of days. I asked how were you and you said 'if it's ok, I am beginning to miss you very much'

I miss you too baby. So much. Seriously, i wonder why we choose pain over love. I finally understand why you sent me so many blank messages. Im sure you know why too. Anyhow, Im glad we talked for a minute on the phone. I was really, really glad to hear your voice. My first happy smile in two days. For the first time in two years you hung up first. It must be really tough for you to do that. You said u will call me tomorrow.I really hope you do.

Good night baby. I miss you. I love you. I love you. I love you.


Forever love,
RYaN


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Dear Cupid,

Exactly two years ago I wrote to you in this blog. Asking for a lover. Or more like complaining how you sucked at your job. Well, you gave me more than I expected. You sent me an angel. His name is Benjamin. I fell head over heels for this guy. He was simply charming in every way. A smile so sweet and a laugh that makes you forget you were having a bad day. His eyes were beautiful. They can look right through your soul and tells you a story in return. Simply mesmerizing. His hands fit mine perfectly. His voice was from the choir of heaven. His kindness towards others were admirable. Always willing to help without expecting anything in return. He loved me for what I am. He accepted the flaws I had and rejoice in my good qualities. I knew instantly he was my soulmate. This was the first time I was so sure of myself. Whenever I'm with him, I feel warmth, secure, and loved. Thank you Cupid for giving me this chance to know such a remarkable guy. Though we are separated from each other now, he will always, always be in the most cherished area of my heart. I will continue loving, caring and supporting him from afar. Though our pillows will be drenched in tears, the feeling of missing each other, the love we once had will never cease. I love you Benjamin. I love you.

RYaN

Shattered Glass

Shattered: ka-piang.. crark... ka-plong-plong-plong.....

Last night i came home and turned on my laptop. As i lay my beloved laptop on my lap, i saw that i'm left with a cracked screen. obviously someone gave it a massive punch on the closed lid. my innocent laptop. i immediately knew who the culprit was. my younger brother. i remember he called me earlier in the afternoon asking for my password which i refuse to give for i know my laptop has erm.. mostly "dirty" contents.. so yeah. just morning i told my dad about it and showed him the condition of my laptop. he went berserk. ballistic. insane. and started cursing. i think i should start digging a grave for my brother. well, this is not a cheap laptop you see, it cost almost RM6000.00.







he could have just spat on my bed.. empty the trash on my bed.. mess up my room even more.. or hide my laptop but.. this time he has just gone overboard..

A year Ago

Exactly a year ago, on the 14th August 2008 was the day i came out of the closet to my Mom and Dad. 15th August 2008 was the day i came out to both my sisters. memories... i'm glad they still love me for who and what i am today. time flies. feel like it was just yesterday!



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A Letter To Cupid,

Hey cupid. thanks for shooting your arrow right on my ass. guess you've received my letter afterall :) i managed to find a decent date which i enjoy spending time with. on the 14th August 2009

Thank You

xoxo
RYaN

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New Watch

Due to my recent new job, which requires me to handle putting my hands over water vapour, my Nautica watch strap finally called it quits. It felt weird not having a watch on my wrist. every now and then i would stave at my wrist, thinking that the watch is still there, only to find my fair blank wrist staring back. So i went around and hunted for a new watch.. and i found one..

R.I.P




my new catch? an Armani









i'm looking forward to getting another one soon. its a watch by Philip Starck or something. i love it. too bad its all sold out as its already considered "ancient".. if you have any idea where to get my hands on it, please do tell me..

A letter to Cupid

Dear Cupid,


At this point of my life, i just feel so, very lonely. is it a sin to still believe in "once upon a time" and "happily ever after"? every ounce of me still holds on to that tiny hope of being with my "prince charming". Every now and then, i would see two souls holding hand in hand, with a shoulder to cry on, sharing laughters, showing affection.. to be honest sometimes i hate the sight of that. i feel envious. why are you punishing me like that? looking back at my past relationships, i honestly never, ever, ever, once felt what people call love or mutual feelings. i have to be honest to myself. the only love i know is called unconditional love, which i have from my parents. but you see, my parents aren't going to be able to walk beside me forever. is there something wrong with me that i do not know of?? so please, i know i deserve better. and so does my friends who've been single for years and years. open our eyes and heart. how many more valentines day more must i spend alone? it really hurts to be alone :(

love,
Ryan wong