Shattered Glass

Shattered: ka-piang.. crark... ka-plong-plong-plong.....

Last night i came home and turned on my laptop. As i lay my beloved laptop on my lap, i saw that i'm left with a cracked screen. obviously someone gave it a massive punch on the closed lid. my innocent laptop. i immediately knew who the culprit was. my younger brother. i remember he called me earlier in the afternoon asking for my password which i refuse to give for i know my laptop has erm.. mostly "dirty" contents.. so yeah. just morning i told my dad about it and showed him the condition of my laptop. he went berserk. ballistic. insane. and started cursing. i think i should start digging a grave for my brother. well, this is not a cheap laptop you see, it cost almost RM6000.00.







he could have just spat on my bed.. empty the trash on my bed.. mess up my room even more.. or hide my laptop but.. this time he has just gone overboard..

A year Ago

Exactly a year ago, on the 14th August 2008 was the day i came out of the closet to my Mom and Dad. 15th August 2008 was the day i came out to both my sisters. memories... i'm glad they still love me for who and what i am today. time flies. feel like it was just yesterday!



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A Letter To Cupid,

Hey cupid. thanks for shooting your arrow right on my ass. guess you've received my letter afterall :) i managed to find a decent date which i enjoy spending time with. on the 14th August 2009

Thank You

xoxo
RYaN

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New Watch

Due to my recent new job, which requires me to handle putting my hands over water vapour, my Nautica watch strap finally called it quits. It felt weird not having a watch on my wrist. every now and then i would stave at my wrist, thinking that the watch is still there, only to find my fair blank wrist staring back. So i went around and hunted for a new watch.. and i found one..

R.I.P




my new catch? an Armani









i'm looking forward to getting another one soon. its a watch by Philip Starck or something. i love it. too bad its all sold out as its already considered "ancient".. if you have any idea where to get my hands on it, please do tell me..

A letter to Cupid

Dear Cupid,


At this point of my life, i just feel so, very lonely. is it a sin to still believe in "once upon a time" and "happily ever after"? every ounce of me still holds on to that tiny hope of being with my "prince charming". Every now and then, i would see two souls holding hand in hand, with a shoulder to cry on, sharing laughters, showing affection.. to be honest sometimes i hate the sight of that. i feel envious. why are you punishing me like that? looking back at my past relationships, i honestly never, ever, ever, once felt what people call love or mutual feelings. i have to be honest to myself. the only love i know is called unconditional love, which i have from my parents. but you see, my parents aren't going to be able to walk beside me forever. is there something wrong with me that i do not know of?? so please, i know i deserve better. and so does my friends who've been single for years and years. open our eyes and heart. how many more valentines day more must i spend alone? it really hurts to be alone :(

love,
Ryan wong

Secrets of my Own (Part 1)

You have to admit, we HUMANS are very "kehpo-chi" and we always like to know stuffs about other people, their flaws, their latest trends, their latest breakdown, who died, and when there is a car accident we stop awhile and look to see if there is any head, guts or fingers scattered across the road..... *ahaha, i see your sinister smile as a sign of admitance* :)

Anyway, let me tell you about some of my secrets to keep you entertained

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1. Back on the first day of my highschool journey in Hartamas High, i was skipping sissily (yet fastly) into the car with my dad screaming at me, i shut the door to the backseat and my dad started speeding off. there was when then "IT" attacked. "IT" attacked our nasal and clogged the air with misery so brutal to human. "IT", was obviously dog poo!! before i lift up my foot to look under my shoes i silently pray that it was not mine and instead it was my sister's. i looked underneath my left shoe and there "IT" was.. well the rest of this story spells NASTY.. just imgine a fresh new day at a new school.. sitting in assembly hall.. with new potantial friends.. all heads wondering where is that shitty smell coming from..... yes, it was ME!!!! ( being me, i just lifted my head and gave the "eewww..." face, looking left and right wondering where is that stench coming from each time there is a breeze.. just to make it look like im innocent.. ) hehe

2. The reason why i sleep in a fetus position is because... when i was really really young, my siblings and i share the same room. this nasty elder sister of mine would suddenly, out of nowhere while i was ready to doze off, attack my innocent nipples. i hated it so so much. ever since, i never slept with my chest facing the ceiling even though we were finally old enough to get our own rooms. each time i tried to sleep chest facing the ceiling, i find it really, really disturbing. anyway, amen, i managed to overcome this fear around a year and a half ago.

3. Ever wondered why i enter the shower fully clothed and come out also fully clothed in a fresh new outfit? well put the blame on my sister. Since i know to shower on my own, i would come out of the showes with a towel fully wrapped across my body, like how womens do and quickly run shyly to my room to change. well.. one fine day when i was in primary four... i will never forget those moments as it was deeply engraved in my mental memory.. i can play it back over again those moments faced.. i came out of the shower with a forest green towel.. as i was walking to my room.. i was ambushed. i was just a feet away from my cupboard. i shreiked. and i knew instantly it was my elder sister. my natural instincts told me to grip on to my towel as tight as i can. and i really did. sure enough her motive was to rip my towel off, exposing my "sexy" body.. *ahem* .. it was a battlefield. punches on one hand, another hand holding on to the towel, protecting my sacred temple. kicks fying here and there.. well i can't remember who won because my eyes we shut.. but it really affected me. as of that day on, i would bring my clean clothes and changed in the toilet itself..

4. I read a local malay magazine called "Mastika", a horror themed magazine, exposing all those ghostly encounters. pretty scary at that time. a particular atricle really changed my sleeping habits. it was about a "toyol" , a tiny creature that goes around biting and sucking the blood from people's toe when they are asleep.. well with my good immaculate imagination.. i managed to picture that happening to me.. ever since then, until this very moment, my legs are fully covered with my blankie. sometimes i try to leave my feet out from my "safety" zone.. 30 seconds.. tops.. and my feet will automatically retract back into the blankie. freak right?

5. I think i was 11 back then when i was playing Pokemon version Red on the computer.. or was it Sonic racing.. well my maid suddenly stood behind me watching me venture into my game.. it was getting pretty late and my eyes were baggy from the many hours spend on the screen.. without realizing.. she moved forward and her breast touched my head and it sank in between her breast. all i felt was heavenly comfort.. my head laid rest on those cloud like pillows.. long enough for me to remember the feeling until this day..


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well.. thats all i can think off for now. its almost 4am! time to zzz... :)


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Insomnia

i have an issue with my current sleeping habits. i brutally abusive myself mentally throughout the night until 4am for the the past two months. i just can't sleep. each time i shut my eyes, i just start thinking.. my mind starts to journey into the past, the present and the future. usually thoughts that filled my mind would be my family and my future.. recently i imagined life without my mom and dad.. i imagined them passing on.. i captured the feeling and it was surreal that i started tearing. the feeling of hollow, standing beside their coffin and in there lay their motionless body that gave life to me. when that day comes, all i know is i will have a major breakdown. yet now, i still neglect their presence. i still take them for granted thinking that there is always a sight of them tomorrow. but every single time i see them of them seeing me might be the last. i hope i will cherish the moments with them from now on.

"To think i might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry..." -Leona Lewis, Run.

About myself.. i just can't stop thinking about what my future beholds.. how successful would i be. where will my friends be? what people am i bound to meet? will i grow into maturity? my health? my soul mate? will i be single like my aunt? will i go through the loneliness ALONE?

Apart from that.. i will think of ways to improve my work performance.. how to run a restaurant successfully.. will i fail along the way when the torch is passed on to me? will i ignite the flame or will it be vanquished in my hands? the pressure is on. and the most recent quandary that fills my mind is the branch my aunt is bound to open in Singapore. can i handle it? Singaporeans are not easy to handle, ya? no pun intended

Physically.. how to improve my physical outlook? is having a great body a compulsory requirement to get a stamp of approval in the gay society? I've always wondered what is it like having a nice physique.. hmmm....

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But somehow, i will fall asleep eventually in my favourite fetus posotion.

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My friends gave me some useful advises to help with my sleep. its amazing to have good friends with minds. haha.

1.just focus on positive thoughts. count your blessing!!
2.burn scented/aromatic candles.. (what the hell.. knowing me.. i will end up
burning down my house)
3. Listen to some relaxing music. (doesn't apply for me.. music keeps me awake)
4. MASTURBATE ( supposedly you exhauste yourself in a "pleaurable" way until you get too tired, you sleep!)
5. Eat something light or warm milk (dangerous baby, DANGEROUS)


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Of Ringgit and Me

(this is a picture from google image. i have no right and i don't even want to have right to this picture because i do not own such an ugly mattress and bag)


Lord, forgive me for i have sinned. I had committed the ultimate crime of spending. i overspended.

I am a sore loser when it comes to money management. I got my first ever paycheck for last month and whats left as of today is..... RM300.00......

I told myself i must have at least Rm1000.00 left in my bank account before i get my next paycheck but words are only words. i betrayed myself.

But.. the feeling of spending my own money gives me a sense of satisfaction, independence, glad, grown up (despite being only barely 20) , and also a pinch in the ass whenever i flash some cash to pay for something.. ouch..

anyway, i did share my earnings with my siblings.. RM50.00 each. i have 3 siblings. you do the math. i left a note in their wallet with the vibrant emerald blue banknote.

"Dear Josh, Ely, Eli.. heres some cash for you to spend.. Don't simply spend it!! Study Hard!! love, Korkor... "
the next morning when i woke up, my heart dropped when i found a long note stuck onto my sister's bathroom mirror with a RM50 note on it.

the feeling of embarrassment was running all over me.. i picked up the note and read it carefully, wondering what does the note says..

"hey *X%$%^!#, i can't believe u slammed the door in my %$#%^ face just for a mere Rm20.00 credit in Penang you #$%^$$#@ !!!!! #$#%$@#%$%!!! ..... heres a 50 and you can KEEP THE CHANGE you ***&^%$$ "

apparently it was a note Ely left for Eli. at that moment i felt:
1. phew, i thought one of them did not appreciate and need my money that much..
2. this is so funny!!
3. my note that says "Don't simply spend it" was ignored and had gone to its contrary



anyway... just a mere week till my next paycheck!! $$ka-chingzzzz$$

i hope i can save and spend wisely.... Amen...