Benjamin My Love. Day 6.

Tuesday, 23/8/11, 3.49am

After much anticipation, I finally see you face to face. We talked. We quarreled(as usual). We laughed. We rolled eyes. We smiled. We hugged. But the decision still remains the same. Deep down inside we know one day we will be back together as lovers. We shall leave that to fate. But at the moment we are officially apart. No more a timeout. We will still remain in touch. It will be a painful process but we have to be strong for each other.

You requested me to make you two promises

1. Quit my job and live life to the fullest.

2. In time, find a new partner.

I will elaborate more in my next post. I'm just too tired and sleepy now.


I love you baby :) we both sure did have an awesome time together today.


Forever and ever love,

RYaN

Benjamin My Love. Day 5.

Monday, 22/8/11, 2.01am


Dear baby,

My day was good. I skipped church....... Instead, I went for a haircut at guys and dolls. Went to your place to wake eddy up and have lunch with me. I practically knocked the door 200 times for around 20 minutes. We had lunch at Sunway Giza with a few others. Errrr.. Eddy, Hayden, Ian, Kenny, Carter, his bf and a few others. I had a good time. I hope you had an awesome day too. Anyway, I came back and spent some time with my siblings. Josh was so so lame..... I asked him to show me funny videos in YouTube but he ended up showing me very very lame videos. He has weird sense of humour. I was bored so I stalked your facebook profile. Look through your pics. Sigh I miss you so much. I found a note in your page. A song lyric sang by Whitney Houston. I remember you sang this song before.


We all wanna make a place in this world
We all want our voices to be heard
Everyone wants a chance to be someone
We all have dreams we need to dream
Sweeter than any star you can reach
Coz when you reach and find, you've found someone

You hold this world's most priceless gift
The greatest gift this life can bring
Is when you look back and know,
You were loved


You were loved by somone,
Touched by someone
Held by someone
Meant something to someone
Loved somebody
Touched somebody's heart along the way
You can look back and say
You were loved

You can have diamonds in your hands
Have all the riches in the land
But, without love, you don't really have a thing no, no
When somebody cares that you're alive
When somebody trusts you with their life
That's when you know that, that you have all you need

You hold this world's most priceless gift,
The finest treasure that there is
Is when you look back and know
You were loved


You were loved by someone,
Touched by someone
Held by someone
Meant something to someone
Loved somebody
Touched somebody's heart along the way
You can look back and say
You were loved

So many roads that you can take
Whatever way you go, don't take that road alone
It's better you should know...


You are loved by someone
Touched by someone
Held by someone
Meant something to someone
Loved somebody
Touched somebody's heart along the way
You can look back and say
You were loved
You were loved,
You were loved,
You're loved, Benjamin baby.!


Good night baby. I love and miss you.

RYaN

Benjamin My Love. Day 4.

20/8/11 Saturday, 10.39pm

After writing my last post, it was already 7.22am . I was ready to get some good sleep as I had half the day off. Was planning to go Jaya One for some bazaar and art thing with Cassie and eddy. I woke up at 11.40am in a state of shock, thinking I was late for work. After a few second I realized OMG Ryan it is your freaking morning off!! I then took a peek at my phone in the midst of drowsiness and saw a text from my aunt asking me to go to work. Like seriously, WTF!!!! I only had 4 hours of sleep!! I went to work anyway. Sigh. That's the thing if you're working for your family. No share profit yet but the responsibility is agonizing. I almost died at work. I need to quit this job and get my life back.

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Dear baby,

How are you? You know, I woke up in shock and when that happens, I usually will get a headache, which I did and it lasted up until now. I miss you. I was so surprised you called me at around 12pm when I got to work. We texted awhile and I can feel that u miss me very badly too. Anyway as harsh as it may be, we agreed not to call or text each other for 2 days. Until we meet on Monday. Can't wait!!!! U actually used Baby in your message. So happyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! Glad to know that u still love me very very very much. Like doh.....
Sorry I'm a little rude right now. Just very cranky because I'm very tired. I'm going to call it a night now.

I love you Flyboy

Lots of love,

RYaN

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Benjamin My Love . Day 3.

21/8/11, Saturday, 6.32am

Dear baby,

The first half of my day the song Chasing Pavements kept replaying in my in built iPod. I was very emotional and I felt like breaking down. Eventually I gathered enough courage to text you. We had a long emotional blast of texts. I kept begging you to come back to me, give me a chance to show you how things would change for the better. Eventually i was on the losing end. You called me an explained that you need your time and space and privacy. I kept insisting that we get back together. Apparently we were not on the same page, which goes to show that yes, we still need to work. I found out that for the past few days I was trying to make you feel guilty was making things worst. It was simply the wrong approach to make things right with you. The most suitable was is to give you all the time you need to clear your head, and I clear mine. I should do myself some good and love myself even more. You were so, so, right when u said I brought this upon myself for locking myself alone for the past three days. Clearly made things worst. You still inspire me. When you finally do come back to me, I want it to be because you are proud of me and not because you pity me.

Anyway, after work I meet up with Eddy, Hayden, SK and Cassie for movie at ioi mall. We watched A movie about bosses or something. Kinda funny. Later on we had yumcha session at Pelita. We talked about all sort of shits until 4.30 in the morning. While driving Cassie back to her place, we had a heart to heart talk. Me, Cassie and Eddy. They were not trying to patch us back together but more of giving their opinion and advice from an objective third person point of view. It was a very emotional talk until 6 in the morning. Cassie shared with me the conversation that you had with her. Eddy shared with me that you broke down in tears as u were walking back to your room on the day we parted. Baby, I am so sorry you had to go through that. It breaks my heart.

A summary from what I learnt from the conversation.

1. We are both very, very confused that is THIS REALLY what we want?
2. You feel guilty that you could not provide me with your time and I was alone
3. Dream girls was the pinnacle of your dream. It was foreign at the same time that we don't know how to deal with it because we were so used to be together all the time
4. I didn't provide the emotional support to your ultimate dream when u needed me most.
5. You on the other hand find it hard to juggle between love and dream girls. You felt guilty.
6. We need to spend time apart the right way. Make things right. Talk things over. Find the light together. Mend each other's feelings
7. Slowly, but surely peel of layer by layer the accumulated negativity, together
8. Look into each other's positivity instead of focusing on the negative.
9. Respect each other 's space and privacy
10. Breathe. Talk things thoroughly with an open mind, make things clear and make sure if we ever get back together this conflict would not reoccure. To make things work together, or make things worst in time to come.

I'm not going to contact you for three days. I'm going to live my own life and you live yours. I will make myself happy and also reflect on the times we had. I will find the light and be clear on my path. Looking forward to yumcha with you on Monday. This will be a start. Let's take things step by step :) don't over think.

I love you Benjamin. I love you.

Thank you Cassie and Eddy for being there for Benjamin and I. Being objective and neutral, just sharing their thoughts, seeing things that Ben and I cannot see from outside the box. Thank you.


RYaN

Benjamin My Love . Day 2.

Today is the second day we are apart. I decided that I want to start a journal here. Every single day, no matter how busy or tired I might be. Hmmm.. Where shall I start?

Well I miss him. Not one minute goes by that he is absent from my mind. I want to talk to you and see your face so so bad. I feel like someone just punched through my chest, reached for my heart and tore a big chunk out of it. It hurts. So, so bad. I've been through 7 failed relationships. I felt nothing. Except for my first boyfriend which was clearly puppy love and I was desperate to make my first relationship work. I was a zombie for 6 months. Eventually I snapped out of it.

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Dear baby,
It was hard sleeping without you last night. I miss your sweat, I miss your drool, but most importantly I miss your snore. It is my lullaby. A sound that puts me to sleep, because from there I know you have fallen asleep. Knowing you are safe and secure and comfortable, then I shall lay myself to sleep.

I finally gathered enough courage to text you in the evening, asking if you need a lift to Broadway. I didn't get any reply. I was worried. I tried calling you a few times but it was forwarded to voicemail. I was crushed. My heart sank. But I stayed positive. I know eventually you will call me back. Finally, a few hours later, you did. You told me you were going to stay at a friend's place for a couple of days. I asked how were you and you said 'if it's ok, I am beginning to miss you very much'

I miss you too baby. So much. Seriously, i wonder why we choose pain over love. I finally understand why you sent me so many blank messages. Im sure you know why too. Anyhow, Im glad we talked for a minute on the phone. I was really, really glad to hear your voice. My first happy smile in two days. For the first time in two years you hung up first. It must be really tough for you to do that. You said u will call me tomorrow.I really hope you do.

Good night baby. I miss you. I love you. I love you. I love you.


Forever love,
RYaN


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Dear Cupid,

Exactly two years ago I wrote to you in this blog. Asking for a lover. Or more like complaining how you sucked at your job. Well, you gave me more than I expected. You sent me an angel. His name is Benjamin. I fell head over heels for this guy. He was simply charming in every way. A smile so sweet and a laugh that makes you forget you were having a bad day. His eyes were beautiful. They can look right through your soul and tells you a story in return. Simply mesmerizing. His hands fit mine perfectly. His voice was from the choir of heaven. His kindness towards others were admirable. Always willing to help without expecting anything in return. He loved me for what I am. He accepted the flaws I had and rejoice in my good qualities. I knew instantly he was my soulmate. This was the first time I was so sure of myself. Whenever I'm with him, I feel warmth, secure, and loved. Thank you Cupid for giving me this chance to know such a remarkable guy. Though we are separated from each other now, he will always, always be in the most cherished area of my heart. I will continue loving, caring and supporting him from afar. Though our pillows will be drenched in tears, the feeling of missing each other, the love we once had will never cease. I love you Benjamin. I love you.

RYaN