21/8/11, Saturday, 6.32am
The first half of my day the song Chasing Pavements kept replaying in my in built iPod. I was very emotional and I felt like breaking down. Eventually I gathered enough courage to text you. We had a long emotional blast of texts. I kept begging you to come back to me, give me a chance to show you how things would change for the better. Eventually i was on the losing end. You called me an explained that you need your time and space and privacy. I kept insisting that we get back together. Apparently we were not on the same page, which goes to show that yes, we still need to work. I found out that for the past few days I was trying to make you feel guilty was making things worst. It was simply the wrong approach to make things right with you. The most suitable was is to give you all the time you need to clear your head, and I clear mine. I should do myself some good and love myself even more. You were so, so, right when u said I brought this upon myself for locking myself alone for the past three days. Clearly made things worst. You still inspire me. When you finally do come back to me, I want it to be because you are proud of me and not because you pity me.
Anyway, after work I meet up with Eddy, Hayden, SK and Cassie for movie at ioi mall. We watched A movie about bosses or something. Kinda funny. Later on we had yumcha session at Pelita. We talked about all sort of shits until 4.30 in the morning. While driving Cassie back to her place, we had a heart to heart talk. Me, Cassie and Eddy. They were not trying to patch us back together but more of giving their opinion and advice from an objective third person point of view. It was a very emotional talk until 6 in the morning. Cassie shared with me the conversation that you had with her. Eddy shared with me that you broke down in tears as u were walking back to your room on the day we parted. Baby, I am so sorry you had to go through that. It breaks my heart.
A summary from what I learnt from the conversation.
1. We are both very, very confused that is THIS REALLY what we want?
2. You feel guilty that you could not provide me with your time and I was alone
3. Dream girls was the pinnacle of your dream. It was foreign at the same time that we don't know how to deal with it because we were so used to be together all the time
4. I didn't provide the emotional support to your ultimate dream when u needed me most.
5. You on the other hand find it hard to juggle between love and dream girls. You felt guilty.
6. We need to spend time apart the right way. Make things right. Talk things over. Find the light together. Mend each other's feelings
7. Slowly, but surely peel of layer by layer the accumulated negativity, together
8. Look into each other's positivity instead of focusing on the negative.
9. Respect each other 's space and privacy
10. Breathe. Talk things thoroughly with an open mind, make things clear and make sure if we ever get back together this conflict would not reoccure. To make things work together, or make things worst in time to come.
I'm not going to contact you for three days. I'm going to live my own life and you live yours. I will make myself happy and also reflect on the times we had. I will find the light and be clear on my path. Looking forward to yumcha with you on Monday. This will be a start. Let's take things step by step :) don't over think.
I love you Benjamin. I love you.
Thank you Cassie and Eddy for being there for Benjamin and I. Being objective and neutral, just sharing their thoughts, seeing things that Ben and I cannot see from outside the box. Thank you.